[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
You Might Also Like
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
*pronounces patio like ratio
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”